I feel rushed lately.

So when I sat down with my morning coffee, I decided to investigate that feeling.

I have a process - it's called focussing. A way to explore the feelings as they arise in our bodies, as opposed to the thoughts we generally have about them.

These bodily sensations are almost by definition vague and unclear. In my experience, it's often the lack of clarity that makes the feelings uncomfortable, not so much the feelings themselves.

An example: I once realized about my chronic health condition that I felt like "I'm being punished - and I deserve it." You would think that a rather discomforting discovery. But it was the opposite. I felt relief: "no wonder I've been feeling so uneasy - I've been walking around with THAT all this time."

And so I dove into my feeling today.

I always expect two things to happen first.

• One: I have no idea what I'm looking for, and
• two: my thoughts will try to take center stage.

That's normal. The idea is to sit with the feeling anyway, and temporarily invite the thoughts to fade away on their own. We don't try to eliminate the thoughts, but we also don't dwell on them.

And there it is. A strange solemn feeling. A feeling I usually shove away quickly. Now, I deliberately sit with it. I give it space and I ask: "What are you trying to tell me?"

It doesn't come immediately. Answers start floating up, and every time I go back an forth between the answer and the feeling. "Is that it?" At first, it usually isn't. Sometimes I never get to "thaaaat's what it is!" But when I do, it's always a relief.

Today, I feel a heavy weight on my chest and shoulders. It makes my chest collapse as if I'm a child who knows he's done something wrong. It's hard to describe the entire process of investigation - it needs to be experienced to understand. But after some time I catch the phrase "it's the weight of not accepting myself."

Really?
Still?
After all this time?

"Is that right?" As I ask the question, I notice how I've been treating myself. I haven't been accomplishing the goals and deadlines I've set for myself. I've been allowing too much distraction. I haven't been going to bed on time. I'm not working enough, I'm not resting enough. I'm dead tired yet I keep pushing myself. I should sit still more yet I'm not getting enough done.

Ah... So that's what it is. Wowee...

I've been doing the thing again... Where I beat myself up at every corner, which gnaws away my energy and drives me into a state of rushed busy-ness. A self-perpetuating cycle, because that state never amounts to what I imagine I should be getting done. A state that drives me into more distraction, not less. A state that keeps me up too late and doesn't allow me to sit still.

A self-fulfilling state that keeps me feeling more of the same.

So what does acceptance look like? I'm human. A stunning piece of art that's an integral part of nature. So exquisitely self-aware that it hurts. So exceptionally good at pattern recognition that I lose myself in what I think I ought to be. And it's a marvel.

Never mind that on the face of it I've been doing an amazing job lately. My health is better. I work way more. I'm even working second shifts on my own projects - finally! And I'm enjoying it all so much. Yes, I still get distracted. I still push beyond my limits and it hurts. I still wake up exhausted and in pain. I still have a growing to do list that I never seem to get to... But I don't nééd to fight all that.

Because, in the end. It's the feeling that matters. If I keep carrying around the feeling that I'm not good enough, no amount of trying to be better will change that. In my experience, trying to be better only tends to highlight the feeling of not good enough...

What do we do instead, though? That's where the focussing process comes in clutch. There is an almost magical quality about giving the feeling space. About sééing it for what it is. I mentioned the relief in the example. That relief is there now. As I notice the weight I've been carrying, it naturally falls away, bit by bit.

It's not a one time job, of course, but it helps.

So what are you feeling today?

Don't think about it. Féél.